|This camellia flowered over the weekend.|
There are things I want to talk about here. But lately I've been in intellectual overload, as well as house-mode. By the time I land here, quite fatigued, I only want to witter (without effort) about Light Things.
And yet, I do have things to say. Things about which I feel passionately. And whilst I come here to chat and connect, and everything doesn't have to be all deep and ponderous all of the time, there is still so much that lies beneath the babbling creek of my words. But sharing this seems to require an awful lot of energy that I just don't have right now.
My days have been busy, and slightly scattered with all of the tasks that need doing, and places I'm required be. Yet this Winter has also found me feathering my nest of ashes, and fanning the embers, as I prepare to rise again. Much rebuilding has been done. This has required gentle but fierce boundary-keeping, and remembering that "no" is a complete sentence ; )
So if this space has been a little McBland, it's because I am in protection mode still, and also because what I require is beauty medicine. And simple, happy things that delight me.
Um...the image below is possibly ironic, because rather than delighting me, on the contrary, Merlin has caused me torment. Scratching my favourite armchair to pieces counts among his many crimes.
|Merlin, our friendly neighbourhood basilisk.|
And it's not because I'm ill, or flailing, or suffering. This is shaping up to be a good year after 2014, Year of Our Dark Lord, Annus Horribilis. But I did lose my spit and fire, I did burn out, and I've had to grow my wing-feathers back. Making sure that they don't get singed again, before I'm ready to use 'em.
I've also reached a place, (for want of a better word), where I am ready to cultivate my own creative work in earnest. And not treat it as an after-thought. This after many years spent (quite willingly) encouraging and building others, on both a professional and personal level.
Some of those I have built up have flown high, and that alone feels like a confirmation that I've been on the right path. For little else makes me as happy as seeing someone fly, and be more than they dreamed. And I honestly believe that one of my strengths is that I really let others be who they are, however different or other to me they may be. However much they hold different opinions and ideas. There must be a respect for those differences.
I've not always been shown same courtesy. And at times I have felt crushed and torn down as there will always be those who build themselves at the expense of others. But if we're intellectually secure, we don't usually require others to conform and agree with every little thing we say and believe. Providing a space for others to test their ideas, and where they won't be shunned, shot down, or resented is essential to creative and intellectual life.
But I kind of degress. For now, whilst I wish to continue what I've been doing, because it's one of the happiest things I can do and be, I'm also thinking that it might also be time to devote some of that energy of building and cultivating to my own life and creativity. That in some way, it can be my turn now. Even though I thought I'd had my turn during my uni studies, I was still nurturing others. Tending to their heart-fires and creative confidence.
And whilst I have built confidence in others, I need to attend to my own deficit in that area. Because, in truth, I've never had a great deal of the stuff. There is this secret little internal feudal system, (including barefoot serfs, and quite a bit of mead) I carry around inside me. It suggests that others know and understand much more than me. And that they are so much better at everything than me. That who they are, and what they do, somehow matters more than me and mine.
And for my sake, yes, but especially for my daughter, I want to show her the faith in life that comes from the possession of, not overweening arrogance and conceit, but a quiet confidence that what we hold within us, what we contribute to the world is good. And worthy, and of value.
So I must attend to this. For now is the time.
I hope you had a happy weekend, and many blessings to you from my Winter mountainside. xxx